When was the last time you walked out of a meeting thinking, "Why the hell did I just agree to that?"
A request was made. You smiled, nodded, took it on, even though you didn’t want to, didn’t have the time, and quite frankly, you probably didn’t even have to.
But you still said yes, and now you’re fuming. Not because someone else did something wrong, but because, deep down, you know you just abandoned yourself a little. You gave away your time, energy, and integrity just to avoid some discomfort.
In this article, I’ll delve into how people pleasing shows up in high performers, where it comes from and, most importantly, how to stop yourself from pleasing without becoming a boundary-obsessed robot.
I’ll discuss the difference between kindness and compliance; between being helpful and being scared not to be. I’ll also share some practical ways to interrupt the pattern without losing your warmth, your empathy, or your edge.
Pleasing doesn’t equal kindness
Let’s begin with an uncomfortable truth (the kind of thing a pleaser would usually avoid), which is that people-pleasing isn’t the same as being kind. It’s not generosity, and it’s not empathy.
It’s control. I’m not talking about the loud, domineering kind but the quieter, softer, more manipulative kind of control.
You’re not trying to boss people around. But you are trying to manage how they see you. You’re shaping their reactions, softening their disappointment, steering their approval – often without even realising it.
What you’re doing is over-accommodating, not out of love, but out of fear. You’re not trying to connect; you’re trying to stay safe.
That might sound dramatic, but it’s actually very human. Because when things feel uncertain or tense, control feels like protection, which makes people-pleasing nothing more than control dressed up as friendliness.
Here’s why: your nervous system still equates rejection with danger. It doesn’t distinguish between “they didn’t like my idea” and “I’m about to be cast out of the tribe.” Indeed, your nervous system still reacts as if your whole being and your survival are on the line.
In other words, this isn’t just psychology. It’s biology.
We are wired for connection. And for many of us, especially high performers, work has become the tribe. It’s where we find identity, stability, even intimacy.
So when there’s tension or disapproval, your body does what it’s built to do: it kicks into a stress response.
The 4th stress response: fawning
You’ve probably heard of fight, flight, and freeze. But there’s a fourth one that receives much less airtime, especially among competent, capable professionals.
It’s called fawning, and it happens when your nervous system decides the safest option is to appease.
You don’t push back. You smooth over. You over-agree. You over-function. You give and give, not because you want to, but because saying no feels like a dangerous thing to do.
In other words, you try to earn safety by being helpful, easy, and agreeable.
And it works, at least for a while, because slowly, the cost creeps in. You start sidelining your instincts, deferring when you don’t want to, doubting your judgment, and saying yes even when your gut says no.
Fawning might look calm on the outside, but on the inside, it’s draining. It strips away your authority, your energy, and your sense of self.
If it goes unchecked, you stop recognising it’s even happening. You lose track of where your opinions end and other people’s expectations begin.
At that point, you’re not just being agreeable, you’re in full-blown professional Stockholm Syndrome.
Where did this pattern begin?
Of course, this people-pleasing and fawn-response began long before you entered the workforce.
No one is born a people pleaser, because it’s not a personality trait but a survival strategy. And often, it’s one you learned early.
Maybe you had a parent whose moods you had to manage. Maybe you got praised for being compliant – mummy’s bestest boy, the teacher’s golden child, the one who didn’t cause trouble (unlike your unruly sibling!). Or maybe you grew up in a household where peacekeeping meant safety.
Over time, you became very good at reading the room and ensuring the room liked you back.
For women, neurodivergent folks, the LGBTQi community, and people navigating multiple cultural identities, the message is often even louder. Don’t be difficult. Don’t make waves. Be grateful to be here.
I’m not saying all this to assign someone else to blame, but to help you recognise the survival intelligence embedded in this pattern.
Pleasing got you love. Or at least, less conflict. It bought approval. Protected you from scrutiny. Helped you fit in.
However, what protected you then may now be undermining you.
What people pleasing is costing you
Because here’s the trade-off: in professional life, especially in leadership, the cost of people-pleasing is influence.
You end up being seen as nice but maybe a bit wet. Helpful, but not strategic. And yes, you’re valued as a safe pair of hands, but will people trust you with the tough decisions?
And if you’re honest, you feel it. You feel it every time you stay quiet when you could’ve spoken up. Every time you say yes when your gut says no.
You feel it in the simmering resentment at others and yourself.
So no, this pattern isn’t harmless, and it is costing you.
The work you have to do now isn’t to psychoanalyse your childhood, but it’s to notice the pattern in real time, and choose a different response.
How to spot you’re in pleasing mode
From the outside, people-pleasing and kindness can look almost identical. You’re saying yes, being helpful, showing up, etc.
But what matters is why you’re doing it.
As I mentioned earlier, people-pleasing often comes from fear – fear of conflict, of being seen as difficult, of losing someone’s approval.
Kindness, on the other hand, comes from choice: a grounded, values-led decision to offer something freely.
People pleasing is about staying safe, while kindness is about living in integrity.
It’s not always that black and white, though, because sometimes we feel we have to say yes because it’s part of doing our job. And sometimes we give a strategic yes because we’re playing the long game, building trust, investing in something that matters down the line.
So the more useful distinction isn’t “pleasing vs kindness”, but autopilot vs intention.
The real difference is this: with intentional action, the expectation is usually conscious and owned.
Indeed, you know why you’re saying yes and what you’re hoping it leads to. And ideally, you’ve made that visible, at least to yourself.
But when you’re people-pleasing, the expectation is usually quieter, or even invisible. You might be secretly hoping to be liked, appreciated, or seen as “good”, but you haven’t quite admitted that to yourself, let alone anyone else.
So when the appreciation doesn’t come, what you’re left with is resentment. Not because someone crossed a boundary, but because you never clearly drew a boundary in the first place.
If you’re unsure whether you’re acting from a place of kindness or pleasing, here’s one way to check in:
Would I still do this if no one noticed or thanked me, and is that okay with me?
If the answer feels tight, murky, or resentful, pause. Because that pause might be a boundary trying to draw itself.
Interrupting your pleasing pattern
Recognising the pattern is one thing, but interrupting it in the moment is a whole different ballgame.
Let’s say you catch the old pleasing reflex kicking in, that familiar pressure to agree and make yourself available. What do you do?
This aspect is often not discussed enough. This is about how to actually feel steadier, how to calm yourself down when the urge to please hits you.
Because in that moment when your body tightens, your thoughts get noisy, and your mouth is already halfway to saying “Sure”, you need a foothold.
Literally, feel your feet on the ground. Let your weight drop into the chair. You have to lean into any physical sensations you’re feeling because you can’t outthink a stress response. You have to ground yourself through it.
Then, quietly name what’s happening for you:
“I’m fawning. That’s what this is.” Even just naming it can create enough space to make a different move.
Anchor yourself with a sentence, something like: “Discomfort isn’t danger”, or “Their disappointment is not my emergency.” And then let that phrase hold you while your nervous system catches up.
You’ll quickly start to notice that the urgency fades, and you can breathe a little deeper. You can then ask yourself a better question: “What would be an honest response to their request?”
That’s what it feels like to take yourself off autopilot and to start choosing, instead of reacting.
Here are a few more easy techniques to switch the autopilot off.
5 ways to disrupt the fawning response
So, physically grounding yourself is one way to steady the urge to please, but let’s get into a few more. Here are five practical ways to break free from autopilot.
1. Use the 3-second pause
Picture this: you’re in a team meeting and someone asks if you can take something on. You start to feel that inner scramble and the pull to say, “Sure! No problem!” even though it absolutely is a problem.
Instead of blurting out a reflexive yes, give yourself a tiny window. Three seconds. Let the question land and let your body catch up. Then say:
“Let me have a think and get back to you.”
“Can I check capacity first?”
Those three seconds allow you to reclaim some of your agency.
2. Practise saying no
Saying no signals to others that you respect your time and theirs. You don’t need to be abrupt, but you do need to get used to saying it. Have a few sentences ready, like:
“That’s not something I can commit to right now.”
“If I say yes to this, I’ll be compromising something else important.”
“I’d love to help, but I can’t take that on at the moment.”
Practise the hell out of these phrases when the stakes are low and let your mouth get used to saying them before you have to wheel them out in real life.
3. Build your disappointment tolerance
You will disappoint people in life. That doesn’t make you selfish, but it does make you real.
Most pleasers avoid even the faintest whiff of someone being upset. But here’s the question to hold: What if their being slightly disappointed… is a price worth paying for me living in integrity?
4. Notice the leak
People-pleasing doesn’t always show up as a big, dramatic 'yes'. It often leaks out sideways through fluff like:
“Just checking in...”
“No worries if not...”
“Sorry to chase.”
“Sorry for the delay.”
“Sorry — could I just…”
Most of these apologies aren’t about accountability but about pre-empting disapproval. You’re not actually sorry, but you’re afraid of being judged. And every unnecessary sorry chips away at your authority.
So swap it for something like “Thanks for your patience” — or just say nothing at all. Say what you mean and then stop talking.
5. Redefine success
Most pleasers measure success by the mood in the room.
Instead, ask yourself:
Did I honour my values?
Did I protect my focus?
Was I clear and kind?
Those are the markers that build long-term trust while earning you credibility and authority.
Conclusion: the shift that changes everything
You probably noticed that throughout this article, I’ve referred to being a people pleaser, and that is how many of my clients often frame it.
Pleasing is not just something they do, but something they are. Being a people-pleaser becomes an identity: “I’m the one who keeps things smooth. Who makes life easier for everyone else. Who earns belonging by being agreeable.”
When you start letting go of that identity, it’s not just about saying no more often, but it’s about becoming someone else:
Someone more grounded.
Someone who values kindness, but isn’t afraid to have an edge.
Someone who can disappoint without spiralling into self-doubt.
Someone who shows up — not just in ways that earn approval, but in ways that feel true.
So, where do we go from here? As a recovering people-pleaser, let me tell you the bit no one warns you about: that people-pleasing has a withdrawal stage.
Indeed, every time you push back, your nervous system still thinks you’ve committed some great social crime. The guilt kicks in, along with the urge to fix it, soften it, and over-explain why you said no. Maybe you even change your mind.
The first few times you override that reflex, you probably won’t feel proud. You’ll feel rude, unkind and selfish. But those feelings are just the leftover residue from an old coping mechanism that’s slowly losing power.
And no, not everyone will love the new you. Some people liked you better when you made things easy for them. Let them adjust. Because every time you say no when you mean no, you’re not closing a door, you’re opening a new one: a door to more steadiness, presence and self-trust.
Those are the very qualities that make people take you seriously. After all, boundaries signal self-respect, and clarity builds credibility. This isn’t just about your inner peace, but it’s about how you lead, how you’re heard, and how you’re seen.
Because when you stop diluting yourself to keep others comfortable, people start experiencing you as someone with gravity, as someone whose presence carries weight.
So here’s your homework. Next time the pleasing reflex flares up, pause and ask yourself: Would I rather be liked right now, or respected in the long run?
And take it from someone who used to say yes before the question was even finished, after a fair bit of practice and discomfort, you’ll eventually start to thrive.
And one day, you might even write an article about it.