Solitude – 3 Surprising Ways For Shutting Everyone Up

Solitude – seriously? After the year we’ve had?

More than twelve months of physical distancing has meant that most of our social activities have been taking place from the kitchen table – juggling Zoom calls, Amazon Orders, Deliveroo drivers, cranky lovers, housemates, pets, or tubs of K-Y Jelly – sometimes all at once.

And yet, despite an extraordinary lack of social time, many of us have hardly spent any time in solitude, at least according to Cal Newport’s definition.

In his book Digital Minimalism, he defines solitude as a:

Think about it. How delicious does that kind of freedom not sound? Not having your thoughts hi-jacked by someone else’s agenda – even for just a few minutes a day. I’ll have some fries with that, thank you.

But being free of stimuli doesn’t require you to lock yourself up. This kind of freedom is internal, so you can create it in your mind. It also doesn't depend on your environment, which means you can experience solitude while people-watching in a busy McDonalds on a Friday night. Yet, conversely, reading War and Peace during your bathroom break doesn’t classify as solitude because you’re still taking in the fruits of Tolstoy’s creative mind.

Flicking through Instagram stories or listening to a podcast also doesn’t qualify as solitude – even if you happen to be alone while doing it. And neither is listening to music – especially when there are lyrics involved – because you’re still drowning out your own thoughts with someone else’s input.

Remembering who you are

Solitude got a bad reputation thanks to Sigmund Freud who linked it with anxiety and depression. By the way, that’s the same Sigmund Freud who thought cocaine was good for you and that we all desired to sleep with our own mother. To be honest, with a mind like that, I wouldn’t want to be alone with my own thoughts either.

Freud’s contemporary, Friedrich Nietzsche, took a rather different view. He saw solitude as an important gateway towards self-knowledge. A bit of a lonesome fellow himself – just look those whiskers – he thought spending more time alone would rid us of the social pressures many of us are under.

In my work as a life coach, I often talk to clients wanting to step out of certain careers or decisions which they now realise were made due to peer pressure or family expectations. One bit of advice I give them is to remove themselves from their social context more regularly. Spending time in solitude helps them to check in again with their true identity and the dreams they once had, but without being held back by their herd.

Indeed, setting time aside by yourself can help you tap into a more profound sense of what matters to you and what doesn't. And that's an essential step towards crafting a life that’s yours, and not someone else’s.

Sociologists have long lauded the benefits of removing oneself from your social context. In an interview with the Atlantic about the virtues of isolation, Jack Fong at the California State Polytechnic says solitude can be particularly worthwhile when we’re in crisis:

“When people take these moments to explore their solitude, not only will they be forced to confront who they are. They might also learn a little bit more about how to out-manoeuvre some of the toxicity that surrounds them in a social setting.”

Calm versus bored – the paradox of solitude 

We spend a large part of our day in a state of high arousal. Our so-called Reticular Activating System (RAS) regulates this arousal by flooding the brain with dopamine, serotonin and a bunch of other neurotransmitters in response to stimuli. This arousal can be positive (excitement, alertness, energised, etc.) or negative (angry, frustrated, anxious).

Taking time away from social interactions usually has a de-regulating effect because it lowers both positive and negative arousal states. That is why quiet contemplation away from others will make you feel more relaxed and creative while taking off the edge of anger and anxiety. But the downside of that deregulation is that you’re also likely to feel more bored and lonely instead.

In a previous article I wrote about boredom, I highlighted that when we finally take the time to sit with our thoughts and feelings, important things can come up. We often get hit by emotions and sensations because we finally allow time to reflect on them.

Just how much we dislike that discomfort is highlighted by a study that showed how most people would rather administer themselves with an electric shock than sitting alone with their own thoughts.

An important side note here. Solitude is only beneficial if it’s voluntary and if you can snap out of it whenever you want to. Otherwise, we're talking about isolation, and that may well be harmful in the long run, as unfortunately is becoming more apparent as some of these COVID-19 restrictions continue to linger.

Introducing more solitude – the easy way

Cal Newport believes most of us suffer from severe solitude deprivation because we no longer take enough time to disengage our minds. He points the finger at the breakthrough of the iPod in 2002. Just imagine how much damage having Enrique Iglesias's 'Hero' on repeat did to your brain that year.

Smartphones have made finding solitude even harder. Nonetheless, here are three ways you can introduce some more solitude – starting today.

#1: No screen time for the first thirty minutes of the day

Instead of letting someone else hi-jack your mood the moment you open your eyes, how about you keep that phone on airplane mode for the first half-hour of the day?

And when I say no screen time, I do mean absolutely zero.

Imagine waking up, having your shower and a lovely breakfast – all while doing nothing else but letting your mind wander. Do this daily and you’ll likely have more impact on your anxiety levels than popping a Xanax. Personally, I prefer sixty minutes of screen-free time in the morning, but you can start with thirty minutes if that makes it more likely you’ll give it go.

#2: Have a daily 15-min personal brainstorm

When was the last time you stared out of a window, watched the world go, and simply let your thoughts float past – nothing to do and nowhere to go?

If you don’t know how to direct that extra time no-screen time in the morning, go and sit somewhere quiet. For most people, that first hour upon waking represents some of the most creative time of the day. Now witness and enjoy the random connections and thoughts your brain comes up with. Some of those connections will be pleasant, some of them less so. And that’s cool, because by leaning into that discomfort you may end up finding the clarity you were looking for.

Keep a pen and paper at hand to write down anything of interest. This will also help you create a bit of distance between you and your thoughts.

#3: Take yourself on a solitude date once a week 

Get your diary out right now and set aside one hour in the next seven days that you can block to practise some solitude. Whether it’s a walk in the woods or enjoying a commute to work without your headphones in – the point is to reserve a good chunk of time during which you simply entertain your own thoughts.

You can set an intention to think about a particular topic, or you can just let your mind be free as a kite. The point is to treat yourself to a slice of time where your thinking isn’t penetrated by anyone’s else.

Yes, that means the phone switched off.