Small talk: love it or hate it. If a recent US survey is anything to go by, you probably hate it.
It showed that nearly three-quarters of those asked prefer silence over small talk, with sports and current events being the most dreaded topics.
If this is how the notoriously chatty Americans feel about it, just imagine what the rest of the world thinks about chit chat.
Especially for those who are a little more introverted or impatient, small talk can feel like a waste of breath, and you might rather spend your time discussing something more meaningful – or be left alone.
But I wholeheartedly disagree. Because small talk, when done properly, isn’t meaningless chatter. It’s one of the quickest ways to build trust, warmth, and credibility. In leadership and in business, those first 30 to 60 seconds of greeting someone and building rapport will set the tone for everything that follows.
In this article, I’ll help you reframe what small talk really is, why it matters more than you think, and how to make it sound and feel more natural.
What small talk really is about
Let’s start with what small talk is supposed to be.
A lot of people see it as awkward chit-chat about the weather or someone asking about your weekend when they clearly couldn’t care less. And yes, that kind of surface-level interaction (or what I call social autopilot) is perfectly harmless, but it doesn’t add much value to a relationship.
Good small talk has a purpose. It’s a short, low-stakes conversation designed to create psychological ease before, between, or after topics of substance.
That intention to create ease is crucial. You can think of small talk as an emotional warm-up that signals to the other person: I’m calm, I’m attentive, I’m safe to engage with.
At the same time, our brains use those opening seconds to scan the other person for their tone, pacing, and presence. When we pick up warmth and curiosity, we can relax and connection becomes easier. But if we don’t pick up on that, the exchange will feel cold and transactional.
Especially at work, that first impression – how you greet someone, how empathic you seem, how you connect on an emotional level – usually sets the temperature for the rest of the interaction.
If you want to build or maintain trust, you therefore need to start by making the other person feel at ease before getting to the point. Small talk, even just a How are things?, becomes the emotional handshake before any real exchange of information takes place.
Grounding yourself when you’re nervous
Of course, even if you understand the value of small talk, that doesn’t mean it’s easy. While I’ve trained myself to become good at it, it still makes me nervous.
Who wouldn’t? You walk into a room full of strangers, or you join a Zoom call that’s gone quiet, or you’re being escorted by a hiring manager to the interview room. Suddenly, your brain goes into overdrive. You know how to speak; you just can’t seem to sound like yourself.
That spike in tension is pure biology. Your body has decided this is an important moment and flips into stress mode.
Once you enter that fight, flight, or freeze mode, your first goal is to steady your nerves, and before you say a word, take a short intentional pause. Exhale slowly, maybe a few times. Drop your shoulders. Feel your feet on the ground. Let your eyes wander. Engage your senses, and use those few seconds to tell your body: I’m safe here.
When you reach that sense of calm, people around you feel it too, because calm is contagious.
Why small talk goes wrong
Even when you’ve managed to find your calm, small talk can still go sideways and, usually, that’s because of a few subtle habits that get in the way.
Let’s look at the most common ones, and what to do instead.
1. Overthinking it
You start a conversation and your mind goes wild: What should I say next? Do I sound interesting? Am I too casual? Can they smell the chicken tandoori on my breath?
Suddenly, instead of connecting, it feels like you’re performing.
When that happens, shift your attention outward. Instead of worrying about the impression you are making on them, focus on the impression they are making on you. Notice their tone of voice, pacing, and facial expressions. Literally use your mind as a canvas to paint a mental picture of what they’re saying.
The moment you become curious about what’s happening outside of you, you’ll stop obsessing about what’s happening inside of you. That’s how you stop overthinking and start sounding more like yourself.
2. Not reading the room
Reading the room means picking up on informal signals or, as the kids say, the vibe.
When you enter a room, notice: does it feel quiet or lively? Does it feel tense? Flat? Take a minute to gauge the temperature. Then, when you engage in small talk, match the mood slightly below before you try to lift it.
In other words, meet people where they are. If you’re in a great mood, don’t barge in with more energy than the people in the room can handle at that point. Let the conversation settle first, then bring a touch more warmth or lightness once there’s rapport.
That kind of emotional calibration signals you’re emotionally intelligent. It tells people, often unconsciously, Ah, this person gets it. And that instantly puts them at ease.
3. Getting stuck in small talk
Sometimes you start chatting and suddenly you’re stuck. You’ve covered six different topics, and both of you can feel the energy dip, but neither of you knows how to move on or how to end it politely.
A mark of professional gravitas is knowing how to guide a conversation, not by dominating it, but by steering it gently towards something more meaningful. This is about recognising when small talk has done its job and it’s time to go deeper.
In a business meeting, that might sound like:
“It sounds like everyone’s had a full week already. Shall we look at what’s next for the project?”
Or, at a networking event, it might be:
“What brought you here tonight?” and then “That’s interesting. What kind of work are you doing in that space?”
It’s relaxed, warm, and it signals confidence.
And when you need to exit a conversation? Close the loop without cutting the other person off. Something like.
“It’s been great chatting with you. I’m going to say hello to a few others before making my exit, but I really enjoyed this. Let’s exchange details.”
It’s polite, confident, and gives you a clear way out without sounding abrupt.
4. Trying too hard to be professional
This one shows up most with newer managers and leaders. They meet someone senior or someone they deeply respect, and the pressure to prove value kicks in. Suddenly, they tighten up, start fan-boying or fan-girling, and dive straight into business, while skipping the human part entirely.
Ironically, what’s meant to signal confidence and competence instead often comes off as nervousness or even pushiness. The other person might just be trying to enjoy their canapé or not be in the mood for work talk.
To avoid that, relax your timing. Start with warmth and curiosity before shifting to business. One genuine line of appreciation is plenty. Something like,
“I’ve really admired your work on X.”
Then follow it up with an open question:
“What’s been most interesting about that for you lately?”
People who are used to admiration and flattery will be far more impressed by your composure than your compliments.
And if they don’t seem interested, no problem. Smile and close with grace:
“Anyway, I’ve taken up enough of your time. Lovely to meet you.”
That balance of warmth, respect, and self-awareness is what real professionalism looks like.
And if you want to learn more about that, listen to Episode 8 of Altitude Shift, which dives deeper into the art of strategic networking.
Conclusion: make yourself visible
There’s one more quality that underpins great small talk: courage.
Precisely because so many people dread it, quality small talk usually requires someone to go first; to be the one who says hello, asks a question, or starts the conversation, even at the risk of an awkward pause.
Most people are relieved when someone else takes that initiative, because it spares them from having to make the first move.
And yes, occasionally you’ll fall flat. You’ll make what you think is a perfectly fine comment, and the other person will stare at you like you’ve just insulted their mother. That’s fine. Be proud you tried.
The fact that initiating small talk takes courage is exactly why it matters. It’s self-leadership at its simplest. You’re choosing to connect even when it feels easier to retreat behind your phone.
Every time you practise that emotional handshake, you’re signalling something powerful: I’m open, I’m steady, and I’m confident enough to make myself visible.
So this month, practise that kind of courage. Start a few conversations you’d normally avoid and ask a few curious questions without worrying where they’ll lead.
You won’t turn into the office chatterbox, but you will become more approachable, more likeable, and – in an increasingly automated world – more human too.
